Tuesday, September 01, 2009

cute object

When it's Apple Blossom Time in Orange, New Jersey, we'd make a peach of a...
The poor pear. The pear has always gotten a raw deal. It's been treated as a second-class fruit — the red-headed stepchild of the produce world.

New York City is "The Big Apple", not the "Big Pear". An endearing term for a loved one is "the apple of my eye". The noble apple stands for heart-stirring patriotism. It's as "American as apple pie", for goodness sake! Car enthusiasts long to paint their ride "candy apple red", 'cause that would make it cherry. Apple sauce and apple juice are always at the forefront of baby's first foods. As kids get older, Kellogg's offers them Apple Jacks and McDonald's offers apple slices as an alternative for french fries.

Apples even have enticing names like "Granny Smith" (how warm and homey!), "Red Delicious" and "Golden Delicious". Do you think Steve Jobs just arbitrarily chose "Apple" for the name of his company? He didn't go with "Pear" for a reason. Pears have stupid, almost unpronounceable names, like Bosc or D'anjou. And I don't even know if I spelled those correctly. Sure, there's Bartlett, too. Ever know anyone named "Bartlett"? He was that fat kid in elementary school. You know, the bookworm that everyone made fun of. And, of course, no one wants to be referred to as "pear-shaped".

And it's not just apples that overshadow pears. There are grapes with their tag as "Nature's Candy". The sour lemon is renowned for its deliciously refreshing summertime beverage. The mysterious pomegranate is also known as a Chinese apple to add to its appeal. There's the sensuous strawberry, favored by candy-makers to dip into chocolate. There are bananas, with their splits and cream pies and their comedic notoriety from their peels. Slip on a banana peel and it's funny. Slip on a pear peel and you'll break your f***ing neck. Even the exotic kiwi is chosen from a fruit basket before the lowly pear.

So, give a little support to the poor genus Pyrus L in the class of Maloideae in the subfamily Rosaceae.

And pass me an apple.


Nick Fechter said...

So very true about pears, I hardly think about them anymore. Great illo by the way!

mike r. baker said...

Hardly cute. But totally Josh Pincus. Great post, Josh. :)

mike r. baker said...

BTW: I really like the coloring of your pear. Fairly realistic and deliciously ugly. :)

Dudel said...

That's a gnarly freaking pear. I like it!

Should I eat more pears to make them like me, now? O.o

Kier said...

Dear Mr. Pastrami,

I find your editorial extremely flawed and offensive. Allow me to bring to your attention, the dignity and importance of the Pear. Without the Pear, you Mr. Pastrami, would not exist. In the Holy Bible, in the book of Genesis, we learn that God placed a “Pear” in the Garden of Eden and commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth.

In this modern world, we are often encouraged to view things in their proper “Pearspective” and to keep things within their respective “Pearameters”.

We view our world through a “Pear of Eyes.” Nothing fits better than a “Pear of Jeans” and more than one fortune has been won with a “Pear of Dice.” Let us not forget one of the greatest bands of all times, “Pear-l-jam” or turning your head to see a nice “Pear of legs” in a “Pear of silk stockings.”

Our forefathers bravely fought to defend “Pear-l-Harbor” and the Lord promises that the faithful will live with him in “Pear-adise.” We can make mistakes in life, but he commands us to strive to “be “Pearfect”, even as your Father in Heaven is “Pearfect.”

I trust that you will print a retraction to your biased slam against the Pear. We may not be the Apple of your Eye, but our equality in the fruit world should be Pearfectly evident to a noodle such as yourself. I’ll see you in Pear-adise.

Nashi Pyrus Pear
President, NAACP
(National Association for the Acceptance of Common Pears)